so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
