Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
