he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Randomize
