i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
