I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
