that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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