I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
