He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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