i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
