ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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