I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
