I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
