We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize