After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So squirting runs in the family.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We had sex on a dog bed..
May the power of my ass compel you!!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
