Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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