You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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