Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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