Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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