He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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