Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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