I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
