My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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