I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
