One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
