good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
