Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
