Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
