I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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