I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
