I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
