what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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