I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
