He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
