when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize