Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
