Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
