she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
