I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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