Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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