Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
