Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
