Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
