i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
