Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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