im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if only i could text you this smell
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
