I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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