Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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