This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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