I think I died a long time ago.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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