Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
