Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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