WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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