i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
