Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize