I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The feeling are messing with the penis
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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