I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
