the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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