So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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