I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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