im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize