also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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