wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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