i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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