wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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