woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
