dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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