I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
